The Elephant In the Room

It has been a really long time since I have blogged. I wish I could say that I've been extremely busy doing fabulous things, but.... mostly it's just trying to kill the flies in my kitchen, can the fruit that I ambitiously bought on Labor Day, keep Will out of the dog food and make sure lunches are made and homework is done. An aside, school has been in session for nearly a month now and I am still making my kid's lunches everyday; a personal best. You take it where you can get it, right?

So, more about some of the things we've been up to will follow, but here it is..... the biggest commitment I've ever made (besides marrying Matt, having children and going red in high school) I am on a diet. Shocked? Could you at least pretend to be shocked?

You actually should be kind of surprised. I swore off dieting in 2004. I lost 40 pounds on Weight Watchers and quite honestly, just got sick of going to meetings where the group leader had lost her weight back when they held meetings in someone's living room and every one else seemed to be losing more than I was. How many times can you use the excuse, "I'm on my period" to explain that damn two pounds that just keep following you around?

I guess I thought I could keep it off. I say that, making it sound like that was the end-all goal. Nope. They way I figured it, I was about ten pounds away from my wedding weight, which was about thirty pounds more than I weighed when Matt got home from his mission eight months earlier.

A little history...

I went on my first diet (Nutri-System) at age 12. I was more or less adult-sized but was friends with people that were more or less elf-sized. To my memory, I don't remember being particularly troubled by it, other than to say that there were always comments made about losing a few pounds (adolescent girls need something better to talk about.) Well, I lost my 15 pounds and went on "maintenance" which translates to, you can eat real food again... good luck. Before long, I'm back in the lunch room eating a Snickers and a Sprite every day for lunch. Don't think it worked!

Went through a lot of other stuff in high school, discovered boys, sleeping and depression and found myself gaining about 10 pounds a year. Fast forward to my senior year of high school and meeting Matt. I thought I was huge then, but what I would kill to be there again. Nearly everything and everyone around me had diet tips for me and I didn't want to hear it; still don't. Moving out, "cooking" or rather foraging for one's own food found me at my heaviest when Matt was on his mission. There are a few emotional exchanges back and forth and voila, I hear about this thing called Phen-Fen. Yep, I did it. Lost 75 pounds too. Then they took it off the market, I got married, we had issues and the weight came back on.

A lot has happened over the years, and I have come to some revelations about myself; some may surprise you, others may not.

• Evidently, I don't like being told what to do. Surprising? Not for me either. I think that explains my utter disdain for all things advice related when it comes to this topic. And like many adolescents, when you tell them not to do something, I automatically went the opposite direction; and whole-hog!
• I'm not sure that I understood that it was okay to fail. I don't think it was a conscious thing, but looking back, I really only participated in things that I did well in. Let's be honest, I'm pretty much awesome, so that's not hard, but........ PSYCH! Because I'm not, or believed I wasn't, really that coordinated physically, I stopped participating in any physical activity. Not good.
• It wasn't and isn't so much that I overeat, as much as the fact that I really enjoy junk food and carbs. Not exactly a recipe for healthy living.
• I would like to proclaim that I'm not an emotional eater, but it's no coincidence that I have been to all the ice cream joints and bakeries within a 20-mile radius of my house.
• I think that judging people solely on their looks and their weight is superficial. I really, honestly, don't think that way. God created all of us (how we choose to dress and adorn ourselves is totally up for mocking) but we can only do so much with what we are given.

And the last couple, gained only through the experience of motherhood.

• Even if it's fat, my body is amazing and it has given me four of the sweetest, most wonderful creations on earth.
• According to Jack, I am more comfy being fat.

Well, I am DAMN (yes I swore) sick and tired of my pants not fitting and of being someone's project, so I did it.... I bought a Body Bugg and two days in, I'm still excited about it. I know that to some of you, that might not mean much, but I don't feel "too deprived" and despite the fact that I have discovered that I'm only getting on average, five hours of sleep a night, I think it's awesome.

So there you have it. According to my web-based software program, I should reach my goal of 100 pounds lost on or around Will's second birthday. Hopefully he won't remember Jack's "big fat momma" and the girls will have a good example to look to and they won't be too screwed up.

I'm not so sure that I will go so far as posting before and after pictures; everytime I think about taking a fat picture in workout clothes, I envision The Biggest Loser and nearly black out for thinking of it.

But, by posting this, I am making myself accountable. Now you know that I'm trying to lose weight. You won't have to ask me what that gray thing is on my arm, unless you want to get hit for not reading my blog. I don't want you to comment on what I'm eating, because if you piss me off, I might just throw it in your face, and I don't want you to tell me I'm looking good just to blow smoke up my butt (right now, both my parents are hanging their head in shame because I talk like this). If you really and truly believe that you can see a difference, either in my appearance or my attitude, feel free to mention it, because I know there are days I'll be hanging on by a thread.

Thanks for reading and thanks for trying to understand. Onward and upward homies!