Rock Bottom and New Years Resolutions

My good friend Lisa says she likes to blog because it is like "brain vomit."  You can say whatever you want and just get it out of your system.  So, in honor of the new year and in light of the last couple of months, this blog is my year-end purge.

Things have not been going so well, as of late.  I guess, technically, we are all fine.  We have managed to make it through most of December and are still talking to each other and still standing, but the journey has been a little rough.  I'm not so sure that it's been a bad couple of months for everyone in our family, but it has sucked for me, and as they say, "if Mama ain't happy, ain't nobody happy."  So, first and foremost, let me apologize to my kids and my husband.  Life with me hasn't been easy and I know that you've earned a battle scar or two.  Thanks for caring enough to fight.

I haven't blogged for a while because whenever I have thought about doing so, I am reminded of a line from Bambi:  "If you can't say somethin' nice, don't say nothin' at all."  I haven't had a lot of positive things to say lately and although I am nearly always up for a listen if a friend is going through a hard time, I hate whining!  Sometimes, it's all I can do to keep myself from shouting in ALL CAPS on Facebook, "I'm sorry you're tired, or have a headache, or whatever..... get over it!"  Which, honestly, is what I know I need to do with some of the stuff that has been bothering me.... so I'm getting over it!

A recount of the battles we've fought in the last two months:

• My depression.  You may or may not know, but I am one of "those women" who needs medication to function.  At least right now.  Mental illness, at least the mild kind where I only loathe myself has a tendency to run in my family.  Were I not a Mormon, I would definitely be a drinker, but since I have the whole Word of Wisdom thing, I medicate with pharmaceuticals.  During my adult life, I have been off and on medication; mostly on for the last three years or so.  I have a tendency to want to bite off more than I can chew and am a pleaser by nature, so that leaves me feeling overwhelmed a lot.  I am also, sadly, very co-dependant.  I hate that, but I have a hard time when those close to me are not well.  I absorb their angst and it becomes my own.  Needless to say, I reached my saturation point somewhere during the first part of November and it has been downhill since then.  Sadly, you don't often realize things are bad until they're really bad.  That's how depression works.  When I finally called the doctor in November to say, this isn't working anymore, I was informed that I would have to switch meds.... so much fun.  So, I went through a period of adjustment and I can say finally, that I'm starting to feel like myself again.  It is unfortunate that all of this had to happen at this time of year, and yet, I'm thankful it did, because I'm not sure I could have pulled through this without Matt.  He has been so thoughtful and has tried really hard to understand where I'm coming from.  My kids have also tried really hard.  As a parent there's a lot of stuff that you have to let roll off your back.... when I start feeling down, it all goes inside.  The kicker was when one of the girls informed me that I'm great at coming up with ideas but that I suck at following through.  True?  Yes, but I don't need that from my kids, you know?  I am thankful for modern medicine and for the fact that someone, somewhere discovered that Prozac makes me feel better.
• Family Drama.  I have wanted to blog about this, but can't detail specifics without causing problems.  Suffice it to say, I would like everyone in my family to remember the story of the Little Red Hen.  When she asks for help with growing, harvesting and milling the wheat, no one will help, but when the bread is hot out of the oven, everyone is lining up for a slice.  If you're not willing to get dirty and be involved when it's hard don't be thinking you're due for a reward at the end.
• Church.  It is so easy sometimes to forget what a blessing the Gospel of Jesus Christ can be in my life.  Like all of these points, it's nothing new and most times, I take the simplicity of it for granted.  Like most other areas in life, it's easy to become overwhelmed by the commitments and requirements of being a member of the Church.  So many times we go through the motions and don't really pause to recognize the significance of our actions.  I find this is especially hard when you have small children.  I might add that boring High Council talks and crappy missionary addresses don't help either.  For the last six years, it seems as though I've been listening at church with only one ear.  I'm hearing part of the message, but I'm struggling in digesting it and living it.  I've had callings that have made this hard, but now, find myself without that excuse.  I do have things I'm responsible for, but if they go undone, no one really notices, or at least complains.  The kids make church hard; life makes church hard!  However, it's time for some personal accountability.  I am not doing the things I need to be doing to make the most of this gift I've been given.  I am not doing what I should be.  So for 2012, I am making a vow... I will read my lessons ahead of time.  I will come to Sacrament Meeting prepared to help my family have a meaningful, spiritual experience and I will do my Visiting Teaching.  I am a firm believer in the mantra, "fake it til' you make it!"  Let's hope that I make it soon.
• "I need a wife!"  In all seriousness, that's why I had kids, but my daughters are heretofore not great at seeing and/or anticipating my needs.  I would like to have someone who could see when I was struggling and offer to do the dishes, or feed the baby, or sort the laundry.  Matt is mostly gone, and when he's home, HIS to-do list makes me cringe.  I need someone who does the dirty work; I may hire out so let me know if you're interested :)
• I'm still FAT!  There's really not a whole lot to say about this, other than the last month or so has been an incredible time of self-reflection and self-evaluation.  I have looked at things and considered things about myself that I hadn't before and I am looking forward to some very positive changes in 2012.
• Christmas.  I generally love Christmas.... and every holiday south of Halloween, but I have struggled this year.  For the first time in my life, I can say that I wouldn't have decorated for Christmas at all if I didn't have kids.  This is not like me.  I normally love celebrating holidays; the food, the decorations and the parties, but this year, not so much.  I haven't wanted to go anywhere, and I certainly haven't wanted to have anyone over (see the "I need a wife" section.)  Halloween was pretty benign at our house this year, we did Thanksgiving ourselves, and when Allie woke up on Christmas Eve and ran to the toilet, I knew that was the icing on the cake.  Thank goodness for Alan and Katie and their willingness to host a New Years party or all would be lost.  So if any of you wondered, and/or cared..... it's not you, it's me!
• Illness.  Will has had an ear infection since October!  That's crazy.  We've been on antibiotics and drops and had diarrhea at our house like you wouldn't believe.  Will has been teething, Allie was puking and I have been down since Monday with a stomach bug from you-know-where.  I hate feeling sick and I hate having sick kids.  Fortunately, I think we've kicked the ear infections and I'm happy to report that I'm back up an at em'.

This really sounds awful.... I've complained a ton.  I'm sorry to burden you with all this baggage, but in an effort to clear out the old and ring in the new, I'm getting rid of it all.  There were some really cool things that have happened over the course of the last few weeks, and I'm planning to blog about some of these, but I needed to get this off my chest.  I needed to wipe the slate clean and start fresh.

When I got married, I was amazed at how much stock Matt put in making New Years Resolutions.  I kind of just looked at them as disappointments; how often do we actually stick to our guns?  With time, however, I have begun to look at the turning of a new year as an opportunity to begin again.  I am grateful that I am able to start over and I'm thankful that I have my family with me.  I'm glad for the lessons I've learned in 2011 and for all the possibilities that 2012 has to offer.  Happy New Year!

Christmas 2011

Christmas this year was crazy with four little ones around.  Actually, Erin isn't so little anymore, but there were four kids, two adults, a dog; all we were missing was the piggy stole from the shed.  Nevertheless, it was fun and we are truly blessed.

I have read many of my friends blogs talking about attending church on Christmas this year.... well, we didn't.  Christmas Eve found Matt & I busy being Santa's helpers when we heard the noise of someone throwing up!  That's right... Allie strikes again.  This kid has a knack for being sick.  Needless to say, we got our quiet Christmas day at home.

Every year for Christmas, we all get new Christmas jammies from Grandma Homer.  This is something that my mom has done since I was a kid... I think it was to make sure that we all looked halfway presentable in the Christmas morning pictures.  Another fun tradition I have with my dad is our annual Christmas Shopping Outing.  We have been doing this for close to 25 years.  On Christmas Eve, I meet my dad for lunch and we head out shopping.  When it was a kid, I went with him to help pick out gifts for my mom; now, it's more of a chance to sit and visit and be Daddy's Little Girl again.  Well this year, one of our stops found us at Fanzz and they had these great hats on sale... two bucks!  We got enough for the kids and as you can tell from the photos, the girls LOVED them.

I can't believe that we are here, but this year our girls only asked for a couple of things.  Electronic devices topped their lists.  Erin wanted an iTouch so that she can do FaceTime with her dad.  Okay, it's really her friends, but that's the argument she used to convince her dad.  She also got a pocket camcorder and ski lessons at Brighton.

See, even sick, this kid is fairly happy.  She just opened her Kindle Fire.  Allie has really started to develop a love of reading and this is all she asked for this year.  We debated whether or not to get it, but in the end, decided that she was responsible enough to handle it.  She takes very good care of it, doesn't use it when she's not supposed to and it has helped to keep the peace between her and Erin in a major way.  Both of them stick their headphones on and it is nearly bliss.  Worth every penny!  Allie also got a new iPod Nano (thanks to a recall and replacement from Apple) and ski lessons as well.

Will gets two pictures... mostly because he's so cute.  It was also his first Christmas and he was by far my most involved child.  Although we couldn't get him to open his own gifts, we had no problem getting him to play with his brother and sisters.  Will got a fun drum set with all sorts of noise makers, Little People, a quilt from Mom and a Lightening McQueen toy to ride around.  He got a walker that he used exactly twice before he didn't need it anymore and a chair of his own, which he loves!

Here's Will with his daddy!  This boy loves his dad!  Matt got a lot of great things for Christmas this year too.  I made him a couple of boards to display his race medals and bibs and pictures from his races.  He got a new Garmin watch with GPS and the best gift..... 12 months of prepaid and pre-planned dates from his wife.  I know, I'm awesome.

This was something that Matt work on incredibly hard to design and build for Jack for Christmas.  Any of you with little boys have probably heard of Beyblades.  They are an annoying Japanese fad... think Bakugan, Pokemon, Pogs, whatever.  Anyway, they're basically metal tops that "battle" in arenas.  Up until Christmas, Jack battled in Tupperware bowls.  Matt decided he needed something better... so he built this awesome arena.  He glued and sanded together pieces of wood; painted and designed the thing and put handles on it so he can take it when he goes to friends houses.  Jack absolutely loved it and my wood floors are grateful.

The other big project for Christmas this year was a quilt for Jack's new bed.  This boy has wanted a bunk bed forever, but since 9 nights out of 10 he seems to wind up in my bed, we haven't caved.  That is, until I found this awesome loft bed on KSL that fit his full-size mattress that he already had and gave him more floor space in his room to play in.  All that plus a desk he may actually need in the future.  Sounded great.  We bought it.  So, he needed a new quilt.  Matt and I decided that the boy would probably like Superman, so that's what we went with.  It was a little stressful to try and get it finished for Christmas, but boy, did I feel like a rock star when I gave it to him.

This is the only picture of me from the week of Christmas.  There were lots of things we wanted to do, but I spent the whole week on the couch, sicker than a dog.  Blech!

No More Ear Infections!

So my little man has had a problem with his ears.... we will refer to it as Homer ears.  I say this because I, my brothers and nearly every cousin I know of fought ear infections as a kid.  Now Erin?  Never had an ear infection in her life.  Allie?  Tubes at two.  Jack?  Had his fair share, but never got tubes in.  When he turned three and could barely talk, I was actually starting to regret that I hadn't pushed for tubes.  Anyway, Will had an ear infection at his 9 month check in October and it didn't go away until the end of December when he got his tubes.  Poor guy!

Here he is, pouring himself a spot of something before the big event.

Curiously looking at all the other kids waiting for their turn.  He wasn't quite sure what was going on.

In the end, it was a quick, and fairly painless procedure that at least, for the time, has put an end to his ear infection woes.  As I waited for his surgery and started overhearing some of the circumstances around us, I have to say that I was so grateful that my kids are as healthy as they are.  We have our fair share of bumps, bruises and sniffles, but no more than that.  More than anything this experience really reinforced in my mind how lucky we are to live when and where we do.

The Fastest Ice in the World

Right about the time it started to get cold, my Mom and I needed to find a new place to walk; we are a little wimpy when it comes to being out in the elements.  After considering a few options, we decided to get a family pass to the Utah Olympic Oval.  It's in Kearns, relatively near where I grew up and it is an awesome facility.  They have a walking track, workout equipment, the speed-skating oval, and two ice sheets for hockey and figure skating.  It's a great deal but besides all that, it includes unlimited skating and rental for the year.  My kids love to ice skate.... me, not so much.  I have a fear of falling (based on my previous experience) and I'm too old and it hurts too bad.  However, Matt is generally game for anything so we decided on a recent Saturday night to spend the evening skating.

See these kids?  Aren't they cute?  I love the fact that they make the little ones wear helmets, 

and you can't see it very well, but off to the right is a child-sized walker that Jack could 

use for balance as he skated around the rink.

He looks thrilled, doesn't he?

Not a great photo, but isn't she is a cheese?

Getting so big.

Will?  He mostly just crawled around.  That is, after we got in the building.  

After all the planning and prep, he fell asleep in the car on the way there so we ended 

up sitting in the car for the first hour of the outing.

All in all, it was a fun night.  One the kids loved and therefore, a success.

Grandma Graduates!

Look at this handsome group of folks.  This is my family; or rather my husband's family.  On December 16th, we had a party for my mother-in-law (Malinda Pierce) to celebrate the fact that after six kids and several years away from school, she completed her business degree at the University of Utah.

I'll admit, when she told us a few years back that she was going back to school, I was a little stumped.  I hated going to school and can honestly say that I struggled to finish my degree; and I didn't have very much going on in my life while I tried to finish.

Over the years, Malinda has supported her husband and children in their attempts to gain an education.  All of her children pictured here have, or will, graduate with degrees from the U.  There are also many of her "extra kids" who have been Runnin' Utes!

I want Malinda to know that I greatly admire what she has been able to accomplish.  It hasn't been easy.  She works, she is a wife, mother and grandmother (no small feat with our group) and does amazing things taking care of her mother.  During her school years, she has planned weddings, moved homes, been involved with family things and stayed active in the Church.

By completing her education, she has shown us her ability to make and set goals and has been a great example of enduring to the end.

Way to Go Grandma!