Rock Bottom and New Years Resolutions

My good friend Lisa says she likes to blog because it is like "brain vomit."  You can say whatever you want and just get it out of your system.  So, in honor of the new year and in light of the last couple of months, this blog is my year-end purge.

Things have not been going so well, as of late.  I guess, technically, we are all fine.  We have managed to make it through most of December and are still talking to each other and still standing, but the journey has been a little rough.  I'm not so sure that it's been a bad couple of months for everyone in our family, but it has sucked for me, and as they say, "if Mama ain't happy, ain't nobody happy."  So, first and foremost, let me apologize to my kids and my husband.  Life with me hasn't been easy and I know that you've earned a battle scar or two.  Thanks for caring enough to fight.

I haven't blogged for a while because whenever I have thought about doing so, I am reminded of a line from Bambi:  "If you can't say somethin' nice, don't say nothin' at all."  I haven't had a lot of positive things to say lately and although I am nearly always up for a listen if a friend is going through a hard time, I hate whining!  Sometimes, it's all I can do to keep myself from shouting in ALL CAPS on Facebook, "I'm sorry you're tired, or have a headache, or whatever..... get over it!"  Which, honestly, is what I know I need to do with some of the stuff that has been bothering me.... so I'm getting over it!

A recount of the battles we've fought in the last two months:

• My depression.  You may or may not know, but I am one of "those women" who needs medication to function.  At least right now.  Mental illness, at least the mild kind where I only loathe myself has a tendency to run in my family.  Were I not a Mormon, I would definitely be a drinker, but since I have the whole Word of Wisdom thing, I medicate with pharmaceuticals.  During my adult life, I have been off and on medication; mostly on for the last three years or so.  I have a tendency to want to bite off more than I can chew and am a pleaser by nature, so that leaves me feeling overwhelmed a lot.  I am also, sadly, very co-dependant.  I hate that, but I have a hard time when those close to me are not well.  I absorb their angst and it becomes my own.  Needless to say, I reached my saturation point somewhere during the first part of November and it has been downhill since then.  Sadly, you don't often realize things are bad until they're really bad.  That's how depression works.  When I finally called the doctor in November to say, this isn't working anymore, I was informed that I would have to switch meds.... so much fun.  So, I went through a period of adjustment and I can say finally, that I'm starting to feel like myself again.  It is unfortunate that all of this had to happen at this time of year, and yet, I'm thankful it did, because I'm not sure I could have pulled through this without Matt.  He has been so thoughtful and has tried really hard to understand where I'm coming from.  My kids have also tried really hard.  As a parent there's a lot of stuff that you have to let roll off your back.... when I start feeling down, it all goes inside.  The kicker was when one of the girls informed me that I'm great at coming up with ideas but that I suck at following through.  True?  Yes, but I don't need that from my kids, you know?  I am thankful for modern medicine and for the fact that someone, somewhere discovered that Prozac makes me feel better.
• Family Drama.  I have wanted to blog about this, but can't detail specifics without causing problems.  Suffice it to say, I would like everyone in my family to remember the story of the Little Red Hen.  When she asks for help with growing, harvesting and milling the wheat, no one will help, but when the bread is hot out of the oven, everyone is lining up for a slice.  If you're not willing to get dirty and be involved when it's hard don't be thinking you're due for a reward at the end.
• Church.  It is so easy sometimes to forget what a blessing the Gospel of Jesus Christ can be in my life.  Like all of these points, it's nothing new and most times, I take the simplicity of it for granted.  Like most other areas in life, it's easy to become overwhelmed by the commitments and requirements of being a member of the Church.  So many times we go through the motions and don't really pause to recognize the significance of our actions.  I find this is especially hard when you have small children.  I might add that boring High Council talks and crappy missionary addresses don't help either.  For the last six years, it seems as though I've been listening at church with only one ear.  I'm hearing part of the message, but I'm struggling in digesting it and living it.  I've had callings that have made this hard, but now, find myself without that excuse.  I do have things I'm responsible for, but if they go undone, no one really notices, or at least complains.  The kids make church hard; life makes church hard!  However, it's time for some personal accountability.  I am not doing the things I need to be doing to make the most of this gift I've been given.  I am not doing what I should be.  So for 2012, I am making a vow... I will read my lessons ahead of time.  I will come to Sacrament Meeting prepared to help my family have a meaningful, spiritual experience and I will do my Visiting Teaching.  I am a firm believer in the mantra, "fake it til' you make it!"  Let's hope that I make it soon.
• "I need a wife!"  In all seriousness, that's why I had kids, but my daughters are heretofore not great at seeing and/or anticipating my needs.  I would like to have someone who could see when I was struggling and offer to do the dishes, or feed the baby, or sort the laundry.  Matt is mostly gone, and when he's home, HIS to-do list makes me cringe.  I need someone who does the dirty work; I may hire out so let me know if you're interested :)
• I'm still FAT!  There's really not a whole lot to say about this, other than the last month or so has been an incredible time of self-reflection and self-evaluation.  I have looked at things and considered things about myself that I hadn't before and I am looking forward to some very positive changes in 2012.
• Christmas.  I generally love Christmas.... and every holiday south of Halloween, but I have struggled this year.  For the first time in my life, I can say that I wouldn't have decorated for Christmas at all if I didn't have kids.  This is not like me.  I normally love celebrating holidays; the food, the decorations and the parties, but this year, not so much.  I haven't wanted to go anywhere, and I certainly haven't wanted to have anyone over (see the "I need a wife" section.)  Halloween was pretty benign at our house this year, we did Thanksgiving ourselves, and when Allie woke up on Christmas Eve and ran to the toilet, I knew that was the icing on the cake.  Thank goodness for Alan and Katie and their willingness to host a New Years party or all would be lost.  So if any of you wondered, and/or cared..... it's not you, it's me!
• Illness.  Will has had an ear infection since October!  That's crazy.  We've been on antibiotics and drops and had diarrhea at our house like you wouldn't believe.  Will has been teething, Allie was puking and I have been down since Monday with a stomach bug from you-know-where.  I hate feeling sick and I hate having sick kids.  Fortunately, I think we've kicked the ear infections and I'm happy to report that I'm back up an at em'.

This really sounds awful.... I've complained a ton.  I'm sorry to burden you with all this baggage, but in an effort to clear out the old and ring in the new, I'm getting rid of it all.  There were some really cool things that have happened over the course of the last few weeks, and I'm planning to blog about some of these, but I needed to get this off my chest.  I needed to wipe the slate clean and start fresh.

When I got married, I was amazed at how much stock Matt put in making New Years Resolutions.  I kind of just looked at them as disappointments; how often do we actually stick to our guns?  With time, however, I have begun to look at the turning of a new year as an opportunity to begin again.  I am grateful that I am able to start over and I'm thankful that I have my family with me.  I'm glad for the lessons I've learned in 2011 and for all the possibilities that 2012 has to offer.  Happy New Year!