You Are About to Exceed the Limits of My Medication

So, we are three weeks into summer and some of the shiny has started to wear off.  It's not entirely bad, but enough time has passed that a list of seasonal pet peeves has started to surface.  File this post under "mommy therapy" as opposed to the "record for posterity" variety.

I'm in kind of a weird place right now.  I have acquired and maintained an acceptable level of mental health over the last couple of years.  My doctor and I have worked together to try and find a good balance with stress management and medications.  Recently (the last couple of months) my sleep has started to suffer.  This is usually a huge red flag, but I'm kind of in a holding pattern regarding it right now.  There are several nights a week that I find myself wide awake after only a couple of hours.  For the most part, I actually don't mind it; the house is quiet and I have time to read, or study or binge on Netflix if I so desire.  And for the most part, if I find myself tired later in the day, I can usually sneak in a cat nap.

Anyway, back to my mental health.  I have begun to feel strongly, as of late, that it might be beneficial to me to begin to actually set a few goals for myself.  Like, if I had a list of things I wanted to do, and when I had a minute I could focus my efforts on something I actually want to do, that I would find a great sense of fulfillment in my life.  I feel like doing deliberate things that I enjoy would make happiness and mental health something I'm active about; instead of passively relying on the help of others and pharmaceuticals.

Now let me stop right here for a minute and establish a bit of a baseline.  I am not "unhappy" or "dissatisfied" with my life.  But I am certain I am going through a period of transition.

With the end of preschool for William and Erin getting her drivers license, it feels as though my whole world has opened up.  For the most part, my life as a parent has switched from a "man-to-man" to a "zone" defense.  I am available to help with the big stuff, but they don't need me the way they once did.  And before you venture a guess, this is not a post about how I don't feel needed, or appreciated, or that I still wish they were little.  I'm very content with where I am on the parenting timeline.

What I am finding incredibly frustrating, especially now that it's summer is the fact that all the things I want to do are not getting done.  And I wish I could say it was because I was too busy keeping house or folding laundry, but it's not.

The idea of working on projects around the house is disheartening, to say the least.  There is so much that needs to be done and I just don't want to do it.  Instead I have all of these other things that I really want to do.  These are things that celebrate some of the things I like best about myself.  Some of them are familiar but some are new challenges; and I will admit here that I am downright angry that I'm not getting to do what I want to do.  (I can picture in my mind that many of you are nodding your head and telling me to 'join the club.')  But while I appreciated the solidarity, this is my rant so hang on and pay attention to me.

At the same time, I realize that this is not a phenomenon unique to me.  I think everybody goes through phases like these in life.  I think as long as we recognize it, and give it the attention it requires, we are generally able to move past it.  So..... I guess this is where I'm at and what I am trying to do; putting it out there so I can move on.

This summer I had plans to: clean and organize my craft room.  I have done enough of that to make it functional.  The main reason for this being priority number one is because when I feel frustrated or disengaged, I want to mostly be alone.... and darn it if my family doesn't get this.  They all pretty much think that I'm Cruella deVille... which, in all honesty, I probably am.  But.... when I want to retreat, it's usually to my bedroom, and in my bed under the covers.  I am not asleep or even watching TV, but I feel like I have a decent amount of control in that environment.  I am fully aware that spending a bunch of time in bed is not healthy, but then again, being angry and upset with your kids all the time isn't either.  Anyway, if I got the craft room cleaned and organized, it would effectively give me my own happy place that is near the living space that the rest of my family occupies.  So, I am typing this at my desk, and not in my bed.

Sorry for the tangent.  Now the rest of the stuff that I want to do this summer.  I want to learn calligraphy.  I have always loved the act of writing so I've set myself up with the supplies necessary to pursue this goal.  Haven't touched them.

I want to blog on a more regular basis; not that I have anything of any great importance to say, but I do find when I write, I am able to organize and process my thoughts better.  And then, there are a few other things I want to do this summer; I want to find time to sew a couple of quilts with fabric I have had for YEARS!  I want to build a fairy garden in the backyard, clean my closet and read more.  I have yet to finish a single book club selection this year.

I really don't feel like these are "pie in the sky" dreams.  On the contrary, I feel as though they should be quite attainable and even beneficial.  Like I said previously, my kids are really at a point that they don't absolutely NEED me as they have in the past.... but I am really struggling to make headway on my summertime goals and it is making me mad.  And I would also say that its not for lack of trying on my part.  Summer 2016 was going to be "my summer."  The kids have stuff to entertain them and although we are busy with travel and camps from time to time.... our time at home this summer was supposed to be blissfully lazy.  Time with friends, movie nights, swimming and camping were going to take priority over cleaning and dishes.

Do you ever have to literally give yourself a pass on what you "should be doing" in order to pursue something that will most likely be better for you and your family in the long run?

Like..... Happy Mom = Happy Family?  That is what I'm looking for.

But, this is how the situation sits at the present moment.... I'm feeling frustrated, deprived and angry that I'm not able to spend my time doing the things I want.  Just as my kids have looked forward to their down time this summer, I was really looking forward to mine; not just as a means of doing things I enjoy, but on using some of these activities to help me along my path to better mental health.

This next part of the post may be termed "the cry for help." How do I get past these feelings?  How do I get my kids to catch the vision? To help them understand and accept that I need their help; if only in small ways?  How do I set up boundaries for myself to protect the thoughts, feelings and things I want to do..... to give them (and me) the attention that I think we all need?  How do I justify this shifting focus to myself to others?  How do I communicate what I want?  How do I enlist my kids to help more, so that life in our house is not so overwhelming?

Likewise, how do I find balance and make the time to do what I need to do; to keep sort of current on the laundry, to have a clean kitchen and to keep the Legos and toys from taking over the family room?

Don't even get me started on the garage.

I am honestly curious, and asking for feedback.  Have any of you ever gone through something like this?  How did you cope with it?  Does it get any better? Is it temporary or permanent?  The lack of interest int he housework has happened before (and I'm sure it will happen again,) but I am concerned by how frustrated and angry I feel towards my family sometimes.  Not all the time, mind you, but yesterday was bad.  The kids were being silly.... and not being particularly helpful.  They have things they want to do, as do I.... but someone has to be the grown up and make dinner (and clear the freaking table afterwards.)  I will openly admit that this role is usually played by Matt. He is a prince of a guy when it comes to all things domestic, and most of the time, he's better at just about everything household related than I am. Thanks for being you honey!

The Lego sorting project that started on Saturday sits at a standstill...... although beginning to spread again.  All four of my kids sat in front of that TV yesterday for periods of time.  They hauled their dishes and garbage down there..... even spilled yogurt on the carpet but couldn't be persuaded to do their part to help a little bit.

My basement is a wreck!  For a lot of reasons, but mostly because the boys (and their friends) retreat to this mini man cave to play video games and inevitable eat whatever they can dig out of the snack  bin in the pantry.  All of the pillows and blankets on the couch now sit on the floor.  There are video games and movies and their cases all over the floor.  There are dishes...... and garbage squirreled away in nooks and crannies.  And this is made all the more frustrating by the fact that they are mostly clueless and don't care.

I am frustrated (gosh, I'm using this word a lot) because not all of my kids will step up and do their bit.  And that although I have mentally granted myself permission to live in a reasonable amount of chaos this summer, not everyone in my home shares my vision.

I am terrible at finding balance.  I kinda suck at setting boundaries.  I don't know how to proceed and I guess in my mind, writing it all down gives it a voice and definitively proclaims my intentions.  I am seriously looking for feedback. So please, comment on FB or on the blog; send me a PM or an email (bekpierce@gmail.com).  Am I alone?  How have you dealt with this; if you have dealt with it?

I'm fine with laid back and more care free; but not with completely ignoring the state of affairs.  I am currently operating along the lines of "do two things you want to do and then two things you need to do."  Maybe I should push my kids toward that too.  Maybe having all of us set daily goals, we can operate in a manner we all find tolerable.  But maybe not.  I feel as though I am always trying to recreate the wheel.... finding ways to engage the kids to accomplish the tasks at hand while still trying to keep it fun and fresh.... but then it stops working and we're back at square one.    These cute little cards were what I tried the first three weeks of summer.  They worked good for about two days.

So, it's Monday morning and instead of doing dishes right now, I am going to throw on some sweats, go buy a Diet Coke and spend two hours in my basement, by myself, pondering life and my current situation.  My house will not be dusted when the visiting teachers come and my kids may be eating cereal with forks, but hopefully in will be a good mental health day.  I will wait patiently (yeah right) waiting for your advice and guidance.

Happy Monday!

The Rest of the Story

I'm really showing my age here.... but I can remember hearing this on the radio often throughout my childhood.  Or maybe not, maybe my parents just quoted this a lot.... all I know is it seems a fitting way to wrap up the end of the year odds and ends as we put this school year to bed.

The Rest of the Story

So, the last few weeks of school are full of fun and stress; and often, some disappointment.  But, never you fear, there's some funny stuff thrown in too.

1- A couple of weeks ago, we headed down to St. George for Matt and my brother Greg to compete in their first ever triathlon.  These guys are both crazy busy with work and life, and are relative newcomers to races.  They started running in 2011-12; got a few races under their belts.  Greg started biking last year and Matt bought a bike this year.  Swimming, well, neither of them have ever been super strong swimmers, but figured that if they practiced enough, it should be possible, right?  They signed up last fall and Matt gained some vicarious confidence by watching Erin learn to swim competitively this year.  If she could do it, surely Matt could do it. Well...... let's just say that Erin is built to swim and Matt is built to.... do pretty much everything besides swim.  He has these really muscular legs.  Like bordering on Incredible Hulk legs.

Let it be said that the men's skinny jean fad has completely, but necessarily, skipped our house; which in all honesty, I am incredibly grateful for.  Anyway, because of Matt's muscular, dense legs... he has a really hard time swimming.  So, he enlisted Erin as his coach and they embarked on a training regimen.  I think the back of her coaching clipboard pretty much says it all....

Erin took a great deal of delight in working with her dad in the pool.  So much so, in fact, when he would stop in the middle of his swim, she would make him get out of the pool and do push-ups.  You gotta love it when the student becomes the teacher.

So, after several months of dedicated practice, we were in the car, bikes strapped to the back and headed down to the race.  We picked up their packets and then some Cafe Rio for dinner and settled in at the St. George house to prep for the race.  Up bright and early on May 21, the grown-ups headed off in the van to the site of the race.  Not sure how effectively these pictures show how completely petrified they are of this whole experience.

From my FB post.....  

One thing I have learned in my life is that it takes the love of family and friends to get us through. Besides the spouse you pick, and willingly buys into the crazy.... there are people in my life who have seen me at my worst and most vulnerable.... having babies, trying to nurse said babies, caring for me after complicated surgeries..... let's just say, we're tight! This morning, I would add something else to the list..... putting on a wetsuit. Not for the faint of heart and not an easy thing to do without a supportive brother.

This clip always makes me thing of these two.  It's nice to see two of the folks I love the most get along so well.

I have a brother?

The picture below shows them getting Greg into his wetsuit.  Sorry, but there has to be another movie clip inserted here.

Coats and seals....

So, I left the boys and headed back to the house to get the kids up and ready to head back to cheer the dads on.  This is what I found.

These two played so great all weekend.  It warms my mommy/sister heart to see my kids playing with their cousins.  But, needless to say, when the time came to head back out to Sand Hollow to watch the finish, the kids weren't in to coming..... so Jack was left in charge and I went back out to watch the end.

This is Matt.... coming up the hill from his run.  I was thrilled to track his phone when I got there to discover that he made it past the swim.  He was so nervous.  I watched him run up the hill in his tri-suit and felt a surge of relief that this whole event was almost over.  Matt doesn't get nervous about much; he can pretty much wing anything.  But he was nervous about this.  And so I cheered; and then when he caught up with me, he told me "I couldn't do it. They pulled me out of the water."

Devastating.  He panicked.  It was an open water swim; much different than the pool he practiced in.  It was windy and the water was choppy and he panicked.  Well, crap!  You hate to see that happen to someone you love.  But, after a little self-reflection, he got on his bike and rode and then put on his shoes and ran.  I would have dissolved into a big old crying mess.  Lucky for me, Matt doesn't cry.

Then there was Greg.  This is him coming up the same hill; about 20 minutes later.  I don't say this with anything but admiration; he was the last person to cross the finish line.  By the time he finished, there was only one bike rack left; the one with his bike attached.  But he made it.  He did it.

So, how was the experience? Educational and disappointing.  The ride from the reservoir to the house was a little uncomfortable and reflective.  Greg regaled us with the tales of the volunteers he met while floating with the paddle boarders.  After we got back from the race, Greg and Matt headed over to the fitness center for massages booked by Super Sarah.  Both of them came back saying the massage was great, but it was telling that they were limping more from the massage that from the race.

2 - So this may have been one of the funniest texts I have ever received and I felt like it deserved a mention in this post.  Every week, I get a group text from Jack's baseball coach.  It details when practices and games are, which field they are playing on, what they need to work on and who is bringing treats.  So, as we are driving down to St. George, I get a text for the week with all the details.  About 30 minutes later, I get this text......

I loved this.... so funny.  Only because I happen to be what I would term a "particular pooper."  Which is another story for another day.... or maybe not.

3 - Jack is moving right along in his tae kwon do pursuits.  These are the pictures from when he received his orange belt... but he's ready to test again for...... let me look it up..... for his green belt.  This has been a great thing for Jack.

4 - Next up, let's talk about Teacher Appreciation.  I mentioned it in the last post, but thought that I'd show you some of the stuff that we did for our awesome teachers at Taylor Elementary.  Our theme for this year was "Game On."  So we picked a sports theme.

• Day 1 - Teachers got a bag full of ballgame goodies....

• Day 2 - Teaching Trading Cards..... this idea didn't exactly work out as planned.  Originally, they were going to look something like this....
  
  This is Jack's teacher.  She has been fantastic for him this year.  He has started to figure the school thing out and to understand that even though he may not want to do everything that is asked of him, that he needs to always do his best.  
  
  
  Anyway, for a slew of reasons, I couldn't get these to work out.  So instead, the teachers got a stack of teaching/education related quotes that they could "trade" with other teachers.  Kinda lame, but they were good sports.
  
  

Day 3 - Next on the list of things that didn't really turn out as planned..... were coaches clip boards with lots of sports related quotes.... like "winners never quit and quitters never win."  Again, the plan was to put them in frames, but the frames I ordered from Dollar Tree were too small.  So, we adapted, and the teachers got clip boards.

• Day 4 - This was my coup..... Thanks to a connection to the Larry H. Miller Corporation, I was able to get baseball tickets donated for all the teachers.  So hopefully, they'll enjoy a night at the ballpark and eat a hot dog or two over the summer.

• Day 5 - The teacher luncheon.  This has long been the thorn in the side of anyone who plans Teacher Appreciation week, because trying to make it possible for all the teachers to sit down and enjoy a meal together can be difficult.  This year, we tried something new and had lunch on Friday after school.  It turned out great.  We had it catered by Plates and Palates.... which is always awesome.  The teachers loved it and I think we started a new tradition.

5- And since we're talking about baseball, another funny text from Jack's baseball coach.  It should be said that he is the media spokesperson for a neighboring school district.  This was the his text last Monday.

6 - Tessa Jane..... this little girl has my heart.  And the heart of every person in my family.  She is a playmate/surrogate sibling for Will; the little sister that Jack says he's always wanted and just a plain old cutie pie!  We have been lucky enough to have her in our house on Monday's and Wednesday's during this school year.  She has the cutest little giggle and she calls me "Rebet-tah." Truth be told, we have had way more adventures because of this little girl than this lazy, old mom probably ever would have sanctioned if it was just me and Will.  Here are some of the highlights.

It has been so fun to have her come to our house and climb into bed with me and Will and snuggle and watch shows before school.  She and Will love to play pretend: Princesses and Superheroes is their favorite game.  They have had fun building pillow forts and playing blocks.  They will play Lego games on the Xbox for an hour and they love to play Play-Doh.  We have a half an hour between the start of Will and Tessa's school and this little girl has become my Swig buddy.  She and Will negotiate who gets to have the front cup holder in the van and who is the leader upstairs and who is the leader downstairs.  Tessa loves our dogs and likes to read stories.  We played a lot of Daniel Tiger and play kitchen this year.  She loves chicken nuggets with ranch and prefers to have ham on her sandwich instead of peanut butter and honey.  She loves all things Frozen and she and Will have had to negotiate that too.

We had big things planned for today... we were going to snuggle in our jammies, go to Swig and Build-a-Bear.... eat lunch at McDonald's and play make believe all afternoon.  But our sweet Miss T is sick; she went to Grandma's today instead.  Will was so sad.  Doggone it... Matt and I were sad too.  I really hope she starts feeling better soon, so we can play.

7 - Preschool Graduation.  I have real mixed feelings about the end of preschool.  Will has gone to Mrs. Brooks class every day this year and he has genuinely loved school.  He has learned lots of new things and honestly, I think he is headed to kindergarten more prepared than any of my other kids.  At the end of the year, he has a patriotic program and the kids sing songs and get to be center of attention for a bit; which is awesome.  A note that some of the videos linked in here were too big to cut and paste directly into the post..... so I'm trying Google Drive.  If it's a different color and underlined, then you click on it to watch the video.

Mrs. Brooks and Will

So fun to watch these little ones get to throw their caps in the air.

Will has been so lucky to go to school with his cousin Aspen for the last two years.  The conversations I have overheard in the car between these two are the absolute best!

Will loves Mrs. Brooks.

Will is a Yankee Doodle Dandy

Okay, I'm putting this one in, because everyone else is Yankee Doodle Dandy-ing and Will is kind of doing his own thing.  And remember when I told you that we watch a show called "Bob's Burgers?"  Well, Will's little dance here reminds me of Tina and Jimmy Jr.'s slow dancing in this episode.  Sorry that it's a recording from the TV, but this is the only clip I could find on YouTube.

Tina and Jimmy Jr. and Gene with the Ding-Ding Song

And then here is Mrs. Brooks talking about Will again.

Mrs. Brooks and Will

So back to my mixed feelings.... he's had a great year and he's ready to go to kindergarten.  But this means no more kids at home with me all day.  It means that now the school district officially controls the lives of all my children and there is no more option to just keep the kid home with me because I want to.  I can't think about it too hard or I might actually be sad.  Now, the first day of first grade.... I will be a wreck.  I just know it.

So that is the rest of my story.  School is out in two days and although in some ways I wish I could say that we will be sitting around doing a whole lot of nothing, that is not the case.  The kids have lots of stuff going on and we have some fun family trips planned.  First one starts on Tuesday.... to Pittsburgh for a week with some of our favorite family members.  Over the summer, I have plans to make a quilt, enjoy my new planner hobby, do a lot of travel planning for next year, learn calligraphy and work on my tan.  Oh, and build a fairy garden.  I think I might start on that this weekend.  Right after I finish cleaning my craft room.  Because that is definitely happening before I leave for Pittsburgh!  You are my witnesses.