You Are About to Exceed the Limits of My Medication

So, we are three weeks into summer and some of the shiny has started to wear off.  It's not entirely bad, but enough time has passed that a list of seasonal pet peeves has started to surface.  File this post under "mommy therapy" as opposed to the "record for posterity" variety.

I'm in kind of a weird place right now.  I have acquired and maintained an acceptable level of mental health over the last couple of years.  My doctor and I have worked together to try and find a good balance with stress management and medications.  Recently (the last couple of months) my sleep has started to suffer.  This is usually a huge red flag, but I'm kind of in a holding pattern regarding it right now.  There are several nights a week that I find myself wide awake after only a couple of hours.  For the most part, I actually don't mind it; the house is quiet and I have time to read, or study or binge on Netflix if I so desire.  And for the most part, if I find myself tired later in the day, I can usually sneak in a cat nap.

Anyway, back to my mental health.  I have begun to feel strongly, as of late, that it might be beneficial to me to begin to actually set a few goals for myself.  Like, if I had a list of things I wanted to do, and when I had a minute I could focus my efforts on something I actually want to do, that I would find a great sense of fulfillment in my life.  I feel like doing deliberate things that I enjoy would make happiness and mental health something I'm active about; instead of passively relying on the help of others and pharmaceuticals.

Now let me stop right here for a minute and establish a bit of a baseline.  I am not "unhappy" or "dissatisfied" with my life.  But I am certain I am going through a period of transition.

With the end of preschool for William and Erin getting her drivers license, it feels as though my whole world has opened up.  For the most part, my life as a parent has switched from a "man-to-man" to a "zone" defense.  I am available to help with the big stuff, but they don't need me the way they once did.  And before you venture a guess, this is not a post about how I don't feel needed, or appreciated, or that I still wish they were little.  I'm very content with where I am on the parenting timeline.

What I am finding incredibly frustrating, especially now that it's summer is the fact that all the things I want to do are not getting done.  And I wish I could say it was because I was too busy keeping house or folding laundry, but it's not.

The idea of working on projects around the house is disheartening, to say the least.  There is so much that needs to be done and I just don't want to do it.  Instead I have all of these other things that I really want to do.  These are things that celebrate some of the things I like best about myself.  Some of them are familiar but some are new challenges; and I will admit here that I am downright angry that I'm not getting to do what I want to do.  (I can picture in my mind that many of you are nodding your head and telling me to 'join the club.')  But while I appreciated the solidarity, this is my rant so hang on and pay attention to me.

At the same time, I realize that this is not a phenomenon unique to me.  I think everybody goes through phases like these in life.  I think as long as we recognize it, and give it the attention it requires, we are generally able to move past it.  So..... I guess this is where I'm at and what I am trying to do; putting it out there so I can move on.

This summer I had plans to: clean and organize my craft room.  I have done enough of that to make it functional.  The main reason for this being priority number one is because when I feel frustrated or disengaged, I want to mostly be alone.... and darn it if my family doesn't get this.  They all pretty much think that I'm Cruella deVille... which, in all honesty, I probably am.  But.... when I want to retreat, it's usually to my bedroom, and in my bed under the covers.  I am not asleep or even watching TV, but I feel like I have a decent amount of control in that environment.  I am fully aware that spending a bunch of time in bed is not healthy, but then again, being angry and upset with your kids all the time isn't either.  Anyway, if I got the craft room cleaned and organized, it would effectively give me my own happy place that is near the living space that the rest of my family occupies.  So, I am typing this at my desk, and not in my bed.

Sorry for the tangent.  Now the rest of the stuff that I want to do this summer.  I want to learn calligraphy.  I have always loved the act of writing so I've set myself up with the supplies necessary to pursue this goal.  Haven't touched them.

I want to blog on a more regular basis; not that I have anything of any great importance to say, but I do find when I write, I am able to organize and process my thoughts better.  And then, there are a few other things I want to do this summer; I want to find time to sew a couple of quilts with fabric I have had for YEARS!  I want to build a fairy garden in the backyard, clean my closet and read more.  I have yet to finish a single book club selection this year.

I really don't feel like these are "pie in the sky" dreams.  On the contrary, I feel as though they should be quite attainable and even beneficial.  Like I said previously, my kids are really at a point that they don't absolutely NEED me as they have in the past.... but I am really struggling to make headway on my summertime goals and it is making me mad.  And I would also say that its not for lack of trying on my part.  Summer 2016 was going to be "my summer."  The kids have stuff to entertain them and although we are busy with travel and camps from time to time.... our time at home this summer was supposed to be blissfully lazy.  Time with friends, movie nights, swimming and camping were going to take priority over cleaning and dishes.

Do you ever have to literally give yourself a pass on what you "should be doing" in order to pursue something that will most likely be better for you and your family in the long run?

Like..... Happy Mom = Happy Family?  That is what I'm looking for.

But, this is how the situation sits at the present moment.... I'm feeling frustrated, deprived and angry that I'm not able to spend my time doing the things I want.  Just as my kids have looked forward to their down time this summer, I was really looking forward to mine; not just as a means of doing things I enjoy, but on using some of these activities to help me along my path to better mental health.

This next part of the post may be termed "the cry for help." How do I get past these feelings?  How do I get my kids to catch the vision? To help them understand and accept that I need their help; if only in small ways?  How do I set up boundaries for myself to protect the thoughts, feelings and things I want to do..... to give them (and me) the attention that I think we all need?  How do I justify this shifting focus to myself to others?  How do I communicate what I want?  How do I enlist my kids to help more, so that life in our house is not so overwhelming?

Likewise, how do I find balance and make the time to do what I need to do; to keep sort of current on the laundry, to have a clean kitchen and to keep the Legos and toys from taking over the family room?

Don't even get me started on the garage.

I am honestly curious, and asking for feedback.  Have any of you ever gone through something like this?  How did you cope with it?  Does it get any better? Is it temporary or permanent?  The lack of interest int he housework has happened before (and I'm sure it will happen again,) but I am concerned by how frustrated and angry I feel towards my family sometimes.  Not all the time, mind you, but yesterday was bad.  The kids were being silly.... and not being particularly helpful.  They have things they want to do, as do I.... but someone has to be the grown up and make dinner (and clear the freaking table afterwards.)  I will openly admit that this role is usually played by Matt. He is a prince of a guy when it comes to all things domestic, and most of the time, he's better at just about everything household related than I am. Thanks for being you honey!

The Lego sorting project that started on Saturday sits at a standstill...... although beginning to spread again.  All four of my kids sat in front of that TV yesterday for periods of time.  They hauled their dishes and garbage down there..... even spilled yogurt on the carpet but couldn't be persuaded to do their part to help a little bit.

My basement is a wreck!  For a lot of reasons, but mostly because the boys (and their friends) retreat to this mini man cave to play video games and inevitable eat whatever they can dig out of the snack  bin in the pantry.  All of the pillows and blankets on the couch now sit on the floor.  There are video games and movies and their cases all over the floor.  There are dishes...... and garbage squirreled away in nooks and crannies.  And this is made all the more frustrating by the fact that they are mostly clueless and don't care.

I am frustrated (gosh, I'm using this word a lot) because not all of my kids will step up and do their bit.  And that although I have mentally granted myself permission to live in a reasonable amount of chaos this summer, not everyone in my home shares my vision.

I am terrible at finding balance.  I kinda suck at setting boundaries.  I don't know how to proceed and I guess in my mind, writing it all down gives it a voice and definitively proclaims my intentions.  I am seriously looking for feedback. So please, comment on FB or on the blog; send me a PM or an email (bekpierce@gmail.com).  Am I alone?  How have you dealt with this; if you have dealt with it?

I'm fine with laid back and more care free; but not with completely ignoring the state of affairs.  I am currently operating along the lines of "do two things you want to do and then two things you need to do."  Maybe I should push my kids toward that too.  Maybe having all of us set daily goals, we can operate in a manner we all find tolerable.  But maybe not.  I feel as though I am always trying to recreate the wheel.... finding ways to engage the kids to accomplish the tasks at hand while still trying to keep it fun and fresh.... but then it stops working and we're back at square one.    These cute little cards were what I tried the first three weeks of summer.  They worked good for about two days.

So, it's Monday morning and instead of doing dishes right now, I am going to throw on some sweats, go buy a Diet Coke and spend two hours in my basement, by myself, pondering life and my current situation.  My house will not be dusted when the visiting teachers come and my kids may be eating cereal with forks, but hopefully in will be a good mental health day.  I will wait patiently (yeah right) waiting for your advice and guidance.

Happy Monday!