So, for this post, I thought I would share some of my favorite thoughts and quotes about forgiveness. Some are mine and some belong to others.... but these are the things that I think of when I find myself on the wrong side of any particular situation.
- First and foremost, I will say that Jesus Christ has made it possible to forgive others and to feel the relief that being forgiven brings. I figure if Jesus can do it, I should at least be willing to try.
- "Forgiveness doesn't excuse their behavior. Forgiveness prevents their behavior from destroying your heart." One thing that I have learned in my life is that when there are things that I find troubling, I only have control over one side of the problem; my side. I have no control over what the other party says or does, only myself. And if I am going to find peace, I need to be willing to let those negative feelings go.
- "Forgiveness liberates the soul, it removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon." This was said by Nelson Mandela. In his life he experienced injustice and prejudice. He was jailed for decades and certainly would be within societal norms to be angry and seek retribution. However, he used his time in prison to realize that by not forgiving his enemies, he would continue to give them power.
- "Holding onto anger is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die." -Buddha
- "Forgiveness is a gift you give yourself." It is very true that we are our own worst enemy. Many times we carry burdens with us needlessly and this prevents us from progressing.
- "A happy marriage is the union of two good forgivers." - Ruth Bell Graham. Mutual toleration and the benefit of the doubt are the two characteristics of a good relationship.
- "Forgiveness doesn't come with a debt." This thought is one that I think is important for the forgiver to remember. When we forgive others, we need to be willing to let it drop. I think this is something that I really struggle with (see above comment about great memory.) I won't say that I necessarily hang onto the anger and discouragement, but I am still working toward the "starting over" part. True forgiveness requires us to forget too.
- "The best apology is changed behavior." I like this quote from the perspective of the person who is asking for forgiveness. As a mom, I have always tried to explain the concept of "sorry" as having actual meaning behind it. At our house, we often say "sorry means you don't do it again." Obviously, there are lessons that we sometimes have to learn more than once.... but changed behavior should be our goal. To "go our way and sin no more."
- "He who cannot forgive others, breaks the bridge over which he himself must pass." - Confucius. Another lesson I have learned in life is to "never say never." We cannot know when we will find ourselves in unfavorable circumstances and we will stand in need of forgiveness.
- Turn the other cheek. It's really as simple as this. We do no one any favors by holding onto our anger and we are not able to be a positive force, if we are stuck in a negative orbit.
Some final thoughts on forgiveness come from Father Henri Nouwen, a Catholic priest. It is actually an excerpt from a book he wrote and it is kind of rambling, but so uniquely and effectively explains why it is important for us to forgive.
Praying is no easy matter. It
demands a relationship in which you allow someone other than yourself to enter
into the very center of your person, to see there what you would rather leave
in darkness, and to touch there what you would rather leave untouched. Why
would you really want to do that? Perhaps you would let the other cross your
inner threshold to see something or to touch something, but to allow the other
into that place where your most intimate life is shaped—that is dangerous and
calls for defense.
The resistance to praying is like
the resistance of tightly clenched fists. This image shows a tension, a desire
to cling tightly to yourself, a greediness which betrays fear. A story about an
elderly woman brought to a psychiatric center exemplifies this attitude. She
was wild, swinging at everything in sight, and frightening everyone so much
that the doctors had to take everything away from her. But there was one small
coin which she gripped in her fist and would not give up. In fact, it took two
people to pry open that clenched hand. It was as though she would lose her very
self along with the coin. If they deprived her of that last possession, she
would have nothing more and be nothing more. That was her fear.
When you are invited to pray, you
are asked to open your tightly clenched fist and give up your last coin. But
who wants to do that? A first prayer therefore, is often a painful prayer because
you discover you don’t want to let go. You hold fast to what is familiar, even
if you aren’t proud of it. You find yourself saying: “That’s just how it is
with me. I would like it to be different, but it can’t be now. That’s just the
way it is and this is the way I’ll have to leave it.” Once you talk like that,
you’ve already given up believing that your life might be otherwise. You’ve
already let the hope for a new life float by. Since you wouldn’t dare to put a
question mark after a bit of your own experience with all its attachments, you
have wrapped yourself up in the destiny of facts. You feel it is safer to cling
to a sorry past than to trust in a new future. So you fill your hands with
small, clammy coins which you don’t want to surrender.
You still feel bitter because
people weren’t grateful for something you gave them: you still feel jealous of
those who are better paid than you are; you still want to take revenge on
someone who didn’t respect you; you are still disappointed that you’ve received
no letter, still angry because someone didn’t smile when you walked by. You
live through it, you live along with it as though it doesn’t really bother
you…until the moment when you want to pray. Then everything returns: the
bitterness, the hate, the jealousy, the disappointment, and the desire for
revenge. But these feelings are not just there; you clutch them in your hands
as if they were treasures you don’t want to let go. You sit wallowing in all
that old sourness as if you couldn’t do without them, as if, in giving them up,
you would lose your very self.
Detachment is often understood as
letting loose of what is attractive. But it sometimes also requires letting go
of what is repulsive. You can indeed become attached to dark forces such as
resentment and hatred. As long as you seek retaliation, you cling to your own
past. Sometimes it seems as though you might lose yourself along with your
revenge and hate—so you stand there with balled-up fists, closed to the other
who wants to heal you.
When you want to pray, then, the
first question is: How do I open my closed hands? Certainly not by violence.
Nor by a forced decision. Perhaps you can find your way to prayer by carefully
listening to the words the angel spoke to Zechariah, Mary, the shepherds, and
the women at the tomb: “Don’t be afraid.” Don’t be afraid of the One who wants
to enter your most intimate space and invite you to let go of what you are
clinging to so anxiously. Don’t be afraid to show the clammy coin which will
buy so little anyway. Don’t be afraid to offer your hate, bitterness, and
disappointment to the One who is love and only love. Even if you know you have
little to show, don’t be afraid to let it be seen.
Often you will catch yourself
wanting to receive your loving God by putting on a semblance of beauty, by
holding back everything dirty and spoiled, by clearing just a little path that
looks proper. But that is a fearful response—forced and artificial. Such a
response exhausts you and turns your prayer into torment.
Each time you dare to let go and
to surrender one of those many fears, your hand opens a little and your palms
spread out in a gesture of receiving. You must be patient, of course, very
patient until your hands are completely open.
It is a long spiritual journey of
trust, for behind each fist another one is hiding, and sometimes the process
seems endless. Much has happened in your life to make all those fists and at
any hour of the day or night you might find yourself clenching your fists again
out of fear.
Maybe someone will say to you,
“You have to forgive yourself.” But that isn’t possible. What is possible is to
open your hands without fear, so that the One who loves you can blow your sins
away. Then the coins you considered indispensable for your life prove to be
little more than light dust which a soft breeze will whirl away, leaving only a
grin or a chuckle behind. Then you feel a bit of new freedom and praying
becomes a joy, a spontaneous reaction to the world and the people around you.
Praying then becomes effortless, inspired and lively, or peaceful and quiet.
When you recognize the festive and the still moments as moments of prayer, then
you gradually realize that to pray is to live.
When we clench our fists and refuse to let go of hurt feelings and slights, we are not open to receive the love and grace that God has to offer us. It isn't easy but it is the only way that we are going to get out of this life with our spirits in tact.
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