When I first began to think about something that I have learned to see, the lyrics to one of my very favorite hymns came into my mind. In the hymn "Amazing Grace" John Newton writes of his religious conversion and how he came to "see" God's grace in his life.
"I once was lost, but now am found, was blind, but now I see"
So much of our modern world depends on proof; we do not often believe what we cannot see. Just as Jesus Christ restored sight to the blind during his mortal ministry, we are able to find our path and see the way we should go by following His teachings.
In life, I believe that we all come into existence with the ability to understand the basic outline for life. Jesus Christ has given us guideposts along a path; things to do and learn that will help us focus our efforts. Some of these things may require actual sight, like reading the scriptures or studying the words of our modern day prophets. But some of these guideposts are a little fuzzier and require a certain amount of faith on our part before they are brought into focus. I liked the above graphic because it perfectly expresses the other analogy that I thought of when discussing the ability to see things.
When we go to the eye doctor, we look at charts. The doctor evaluates our sight and then with the assistance of a few medical devices, makes a series of small adjustments that gradually corrects and restores our vision to perfect.
In my life, I am constantly reminded of the need to see things a little at a time. Sometimes, we are able to get the big picture; we see our path and the way is clear. And other times, life is less clear and we are forced to rely on our faith until we can see for ourselves that which the Lord would have us know.
Any of you who know me, know that patience is not my strong suit. It has always been hard for me to follow someone else's directions for my life. How frustrated I have become at different points in my life when I was not able to snap my fingers and move forward as I would like. When you throw kids and a husband into the mix, the amount that I am NOT IN CONTROL is maddening. I learned very early on in my life that there are two approaches to life: active and reactive. And since I have a hard time following directions, I am always the first to grab the proverbial bull by the horns. I have come to understand that there are people in my life for whom every little detail is not of utter importance. Most folks don't care where we eat or what time we meet. Which movie to watch or where to vacation is not the most important thing to them.... but it is, many times, to me. So I will be the one who investigates and books travel six months out so that I can be assured that I get what I want. I don't even feel bad for saying that because we all have our roles to play. I'm a planner.
However, when I need to be humbled and submit to someone else's schedule, I struggle. I don't think on the fly well and have been known to have massive meltdowns if things do not go according to plan. One lesson that I seem to need to be taught, over and over, is that I don't or can't know all the details of the way my life will unfold. This is hard for me on several levels. I have always felt like if I am prepared for every possible outcome, life will go my way. "Luck favors the prepared." I believe that.
But..... there are times that no matter who we are, what we know or what we do, that we find ourselves in the discomfort of uncertainty. Our path is not clear. We need help to see the way we should go and we need to be humble enough to accept direction, which coincidentally is something I struggle with as well.
Throughout my adult married life, we have always been blessed with steady and sufficient employment. Some years have been better than others, but we've never had to go without the things we need. Unless of course, you count time together as a family. Matt's work schedule keeps life interesting at our house and there have been several times over the years that we've had to pull over to the side of the road and evaluate the direction we are headed.
There have been opportunities for job change and growth. Matt was blessed to be able to further his education and improve his skill set. But, there have been lots of times where we have both thought it would be easier and more beneficial for our family if we were all to be home together during the week. Personally, I feel like we have always tried to be responsible and make informed decisions. We have tried to prepare ourselves for all sorts of potential situations. I won't pretend that we are unique in these instances; I only mention it because I want to make the distinction between being active versus reactive.
With all of the preparations we have undertaken, I have sometimes been frustrated by the state of our family life. Would it be so bad if Matt had to commute every day? Wouldn't it be nice if I didn't have to figure out how to handle Scouts, Young Women's, dinner and homework during the same two hour time period every week? That doesn't sound so bad, does it? Nope, not to me either.
And yet, the job that Matt took in 2001 that we said we'd give five years, has turned into a very interesting, rewarding and yes, challenging career path. Honestly, I'm not why we're still on this path.... it wasn't the plan. I know that over the last five years in particular as our girls have started junior high and high school that I have prayed for changes that would make our home life easier. It hasn't happened. I can't see the clear picture. I think I know what I should do... I have asked questions, learned things, asked more questions and tried to prepare the best way I know how, but I still find myself running crazy most weeknights.
After all these years, I have come to the conclusion that I do not possess the power and ability on my own to see and experience life's lessons with the proper perspective. The only conclusion I can draw is that the Lord has a plan for us; for me, for Matt and for our family. At several points in time, Matt has had the opportunity to share the Gospel with those he encounters in his work life; pass-along cards on airplanes and even the occasional Book of Mormon. The Spanish he learned to speak on his mission to Mexico has made it possible to present critical information to company employees in their native language. That makes a big difference. Just recently, he was at a top management meeting and had the opportunity to talk to one of the company VP's about the Philadelphia Temple Open House. Even I have found myself dining with his co-workers and their wives and being able to intelligently discuss the differences between the polygamy that was practiced in the early days of the Church versus what they saw on "Big Love." There is no question that we have been shaped by our circumstances. I have always had a vision for my life, but the only thing I can say about it is that my vision doesn't always jive with God's vision. So the challenge for me is to understand and accept that without my Savior's help, I'm only seeing half the picture.
How does this translate into a lesson I can share with others? I suppose I can share my thoughts and feelings and experiences. I can try my hardest to be humble and to learn to take things on faith. I need to be willing to learn from the experiences of others and to apply those lessons in my life. I need to be open and accepting and seek truth. The end goal, I suppose is to make "ask in faith" my go-to response. I can teach my kids to turn to the Lord, to ask for His guidance and to trust in Him. Sometimes the light floods in and we know which way we must go; other times we can only make out our next steps, one at a time. All I can do is to try and lead by example: to follow Christ's example and to show those in my life that I know which way to look for guidance. Hopefully, my faith and light will shine forth and will help myself and others to discover the one true path we must travel if we are to live with God again.
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