Humility is the quality of being humble. A recognition of self in relation to God, acceptance of one's defects and submission to divine grace.
Where to start with this one. The only thing I know in my life, that is reinforced daily, is how much I don't know. There is no way I get through my life without accepting my defects.... which explains why I'm still here on earth, floundering around. Admitting my shortcomings is difficult; in my experience, it is hard to push through the hard times when you know how ill-equipped you are to do so. The trick in all of this is to remember that when I fall short, I have someone there to make up the difference. Ultimately, that fail safe is my Savior Jesus Christ, but in my everyday life, I have lots of folks who make up my shortcomings. Since I have recently talked about my kids, my sibs, parents and all the in-laws, I suppose it is time to talk about the guy who "completes me." (Cue the cheesy Jerry Maguire reference.)
What to say about my better half, sometimes by better three-quarters? I am grateful that part of Heavenly Father's plan for me includes a partner. I was drawn to him because he was nice, he thought I was smart, he laughs at my jokes and he cleans up my messes. At some point in time, I should write a blog post about all the awesome ways I bless his life, but since this post is supposed to be about humility, we'll keep it focused on Matt.
There are so many ways that Matt blesses my life daily and at his core, he has the patience of Job. He will fix things when they need to be fixed (as in, I don't care how it happens, just make it go away) or he will take the time to teach me how to fish. There are sometimes when I see him approaching with his proverbial "fishing pole" and I know I roll my eyes. Like the time I had to give a talk in Sacrament Meeting after we were first married, or every month for those six months I taught Relief Society. Instead of "helping" me by drafting my remarks for me, he took me back to high school debate class and helped me organize my thoughts and prepare my words. Oh so frustrating when all I wanted to do was watch Golden Girls reruns.... but probably the best thing in the long run. Coincidentally, if I actually want my kids to learn stuff, their dad is the one that needs to help them. If homework is up to me, and I actually have to get involved, chances are I'll just do it for them because I can't stand how much time it takes for them to actually learn something. But, not the point.
Humility is kind of a hard thing in my life. Not only because I have always been a know-it-all.... but because my life is structured in a way that I don't often have to be accountable to anyone. Matt sees the big edges and fuzzy shapes of our lives from Marriott hotel rooms around the country. He is periodically called out of fancy dinners to witness and "participate" in disciplining children when I need a witness to testify in my behalf. But mostly, I run my life and the life of my kids with very little interference from others.
Now I say interference like its a bad thing; its not. Its just, who has time to stop and ask for everyone's opinion all the time? That, to me, is maddening. However, over the last 20 years or so, I have learned that it is also very hard to feel like an outsider in your own home. Just like I feel sometimes that Matt skates in on the weekends and gets to be the fun guy, the flip side is that the boys don't let him have a moment's peace while he's here and the girls rarely take him seriously when he asks them to do something. This has made for a few rough spots in our household environment over the years. It always seems to get worse around the holidays too.... because he's home more. Now, I don't say that like having him home is a bad thing.... when he's home, it takes a few days, we adjust to normal family life and things are great. And then, mid-January comes, he's back to traveling and I'm left with needy kids who need somebody nice to deal with (Matt) and all they have is me :) Ughhh.... adjustment is hard.
As our family has grown over the years, I have been made painfully aware of so many of my shortcomings. Part of this awareness is learning to be grateful for the fact that I have someone to stand by my side when I do dumb things, or when I hurt his feelings. As you may have guessed, I suffer somewhat in the sensitivity department when it comes to my family. Like other families, I'm sure, they bear the brunt of my frustrations more times than I'd care to admit. Sometimes they are complicit in these frustrations, but sometimes they are not. And even when he is not, Matt is always there to support me and say "we're in this together."
The last few things I'll say about him teaching me (or the kids) to fish. He is patient when he addresses us and tries very hard to repeat that which needs repeating.... oh, so much that needs repeating. He will constantly try to lovingly remind me of the plans we've made, or the path we've chosen. He is stalwart and always has the end goal in sight. And strangely enough, through all of this reproach and reminding, he still loves me; which is good.
The good stuff, the funny stuff.... comes at times when he knows he needs to just jump in and fix things. Like the time I went into pre-term labor with Allie.... and they stopped it with something that made me sick.... but I didn't know it until I had eaten two pieces of pizza. And I barfed all over Matt and the floor of our bedroom. He silently went to work, cleaned it up, vacuumed and then threw the vacuum away... because it smelled like puke. No groaning, no whining... just did it. Or the time when we were potty-training Jack and we had to make a visit to Allie's class. Right before school ended (like literally as the bell was ringing) Jack bolted from the classroom, ran down the hall with little pieces of poop falling out of his shorts along the way. Matt knew that if the kids stepped on those, it would be no bueno.... so he ran down the hall, picking up the offending pieces with his bare hands and had Jack scooped up and in his arms before the first locker was opened. Kind of like a suburban Indiana Jones.
Lest you equate all of his heroics with bodily fluids, there are the times that I am hurt or upset, when I want to be alone, that he'll gather up all the kids and escort them from the home so I can have a little me-time. If I'm completely honest, these motives may be semi-self serving, but it's nice to have someone on my team who knows when I need space. I'm grateful that he has always been there to provide a listening ear and a shoulder to cry on when I know in his mind he's thinking "what's the big deal?" He may not know the answer to that question, but he's smart enough (and kind enough) to not ask it.
When the kids struggle with school, he is the one that gets called in to save the day. I mean, the one who helps come up with an actual strategy. Early on in our married life, we had an appointment with someone who talked about the life we were about to embark on (I was pregnant with Erin at the time) and he referred to mothers as the "dispensers of quick and dirty justice." I have found this to be incredibly true. I fly through life putting out fires and buying extra time with most of the kid problem areas. I hold true to the maxim "just you wait 'til your father gets home." Not because he's going to get mad, but because he possesses an amazing amount of perspective and can actually work toward solving the problem.
Matt is actually more social than I am.... by that I mean, he actually likes people. I generally tolerate folks; although I definitely understand the need to maintain relationships. Nearly every party, every lunch or every dinner that we are involved in as guests or planners comes with his wholehearted encouragement. He has decorated, cooked, cleaned and consoled on occasions too numerous to count. I can't even begin to describe the gratitude I feel for the balancing effect he has on my life.
He has seen me at my very worst; he knows the darkest corners of my soul. And yet, he still flies home. I know that even if he's mad at me, he'll back me up. And even if he doesn't agree with me, he'll still do his best to reconcile that and present a united front to our shared enemy; the children. He always insists that the kids show respect, even when I don't deserve it and I know that I take for granted the great support he is.
Despite the fact that our lives are a little unconventional, I know that no matter where he is or what time it is, he will move heaven and earth to back me up; to indulge my whims and support my efforts. I count myself so lucky that he is willing to be on this crazy ride with me and I promise that at some point I will learn to think before I speak. But, probably not today. Sorry.
I love you Matt, and I want everyone to know that I couldn't and wouldn't be half of what I am without you. I need you and I'm grateful for you and now.... this mushiness must end. Because Tessa has to go to preschool and the dogs can't drive.
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