So, with that as my ultimate goal in mind, I changed the question to relate to motherhood. More specifically, what kind of things will my kids take from the time they spend with me? As I have thought about this, I have to say, I'm a little freaked out. To give you some insight to the impetus of my thoughts, here is a rundown of the last couple of weeks. (I don't share any of this because I am unique or special in any way, but just to provide some context.)
Taking into account school and the extracurricular activities of children, we spend a lot of time in the car going to: preschool, elementary school, junior high and high school. Early morning swim practice, after school lacrosse practice. And baseball (with it's early season mud and the promise of free food after every game.) We have taekwondo, piano lessons and playdates. Erin is taking Drivers Ed, which requires us to travel to Layton multiple times. Scouts and Young Women's. Taking Matt to and from the airport. Picking up friends, driving to movies, driving to the store (oh so many trips to the store.) Feeding the dogs, feeding the chickens, driving the carpool and going to the doctor. We have had strep throat, head colds, migraines, diarrhea, bumps, bruises and sprains. We try to go to the gym and take care of ourselves, although admittedly I am falling WAY DOWN in this area. So these are pretty much the basics that you will find us dealing with at any given time.
Add to this the following:
A niece and her cute family in Pittsburgh who is struggling with some MAJOR medical issues. How do I support them? How do I let them know that I love them and I'm thinking of them? Well, I visit for one. And for two, I add the organization of a toy/gift drive to make some attempt at paying my gratitude forward. They have excellent medical care and friends and neighbors that have taken them in and loved them when they are so far away from us. So I ask for donations and am overwhelmed by the support I have received from so many of my friends and neighbors and family members. Seriously, you all are awesome. And then to wake up in the middle of the night on Saturday and find out that Jilly's lungs have collapsed and that her doctors have committed the situation to the Lord's hands. Pulling my kids out of bed to pray and feeling that spirit in my home. To feel like we're all united in a common purpose.
A sister-in-law who I have loved for 20 years who has to deal with the premature death of her dad. A giant of a man (in body and spirit). My kids know and love Grandpa Butler. My heart is breaking for my brother's family; for the sadness and grief that they are experiencing. I'm grateful for the Gospel, the Savior and the Plan of Salvation, but gosh dang it, this whole thing sucks!
Friends who are struggling in their marriages and watching them be brave and strong for their kids. For the presence of a sweet little girl in my home every week who has an infectious laugh and loves to snuggle with me just like William. For the fact that Jack feels like she is the little sister he wanted when Will was born but got a brother instead. For her mom who is a great sounding board and who is always so willing to help me with anything I need.
For dear friends who have been missing from my daily life for far too long. I want them back here and have more than likely inserted myself way too much in trying to get them to move by me. Need a job? Great, let's get you one! Let's find a house and get the kids in school, just so I can finally scrapbook all day with my bestie (we won't scrapbook, but we could if we wanted to.)
Young Women's..... Oh how I love my calling in here. And I hesitate to say too much for fear I'll jinx myself or because I know it always felt like the YW leaders were bragging about being in there when I wasn't. Now, I know that we're not supposed to want positions in the Church, and that the Lord calls us to serve where he needs us, but I have wanted to be in YW since I turned 18 and got kicked out as a girl. And it didn't happen..... and I felt terrible. It felt like I was the last one being picked for a team at recess. Why did no one want me to be there? I know this may be insulting to those of you who have struggled for children, but that's the only thing I can think to compare it to.... I wanted to be there so bad, and it didn't matter what I did or said (to man or God) I didn't get to be there. And then, last year, I got called to teach the Miamaids. Oh my heck.... so excited! And I have loved every minute of it. I love the women I work with and the girls I get to be with. I love preparing my lessons and going to activities, and I try not to talk about it too much because I feel like someone else could be where I was and I don't want to hurt their feelings. But I love being in YW. We had New Beginnings this week, which is kind of a big deal. I didn't have to do a ton, but it got a little crazy on Wednesday night, I'm not going to lie. That's Scouts for Jack too, so Will gets pulled along and we do a lot of shuffling sometimes.
We are planning an epic 16th birthday bash for Erin. It's going to be huge and be at the church. Which is good because all of the prep will probably render my home a disaster area. I know right now that I am going overboard. I am indulging every single fantasy that this girl has regarding her birthday. I know that I'm more than likely going to regret it when I have to match or top it in two years with Allie. I know that Matt will roll his eyes and wonder why and how we are doing all of this. And I wonder why, if I know all of this, I am still doing it? I've taken measurements, planned for decorations, commissioned art work, for heavens sake. Oh how I hope its fun. I hope people come and I hope that the enjoyment that Erin feels is enough to make Matt not be mad at me anymore.
Teacher Appreciation Week..... the PTA. Oh, that PTA. I am about maxed out with school this year. My kids are missing classes and days more than they should. Is Senioritis a thing for the parents of sophomores? It has to be. I am dying because I am just ready to be done with school. Ready to not worry about homework, tardies, absences, kids hiding in the bathroom because they hate seminary, and all the other stuff that happens. I am trying to plan Teacher Appreciation Week and I am mostly doing it alone because I hate to have to try and make someone do something on my terms. What if they don't show up? What if its not cute like it would have been if I did it? All of these thoughts and more.... so, a weeks worth of activities need to be planned and prepared and it's the same week as Erin's birthday.... and the dreaded free food assignment for both boys' baseball teams.
Drivers Ed.... online and then driving with a weirdo. Like, I should probably be concerned leaving my daughter with him, but she's gotta do it and this is where it's at. I hate that something that should be seen as a privilege (driving her own car, having insurance and gas money) is seen as an entitlement. And yet, I so need her to be driving. I spend all my time in the car. Okay, not all my time, because I'm not there now, but A LOT of time.... in my car. It's a mess.
And kids, and their friends and movies and the mall and practices and happy meals and McDonald's play land because they love it. And toys EVERY SINGLE TIME we go to Target. And being fine with the fact that my 5-year-old colors all over himself. And that I'd sometimes (well most times) rather go buy new pants for the kid instead of doing laundry.
And back to the sister-in-law.... who steps up to help her mom and her family and I think, I should make them food. So Friday, I planned and shopped and prepped and cooked meals for 14 people (6 of those people live at my house and evidently they have to eat too.) I am so grateful to Allie because she is such a good helper in the kitchen. And there is more to make tomorrow. My fridges (yes, you read that right, multiple fridges) are chock full of food. Thank goodness for daughters and a mom who are willing to jump in and help.
And to the niece and nephews in Pittsburgh.... hopping on a plane on Thursday to visit them. To take them toys for the hospital and junk from Target; kids love junk from Target. To give my sister-in-law (a true kindred spirit) a big hug and hopefully take the pressure off of them for a bit. To arrange a virtual play date for my brother-in-law to play video games with his brothers who live here. Mostly that's just because I think it would be weird to take him for a pedicure.
It's Monday. Matt has left. The kids are at school and for the first time in a week I am sitting on a made bed while I am typing. I have dishes to do and laundry to sort. I need to dust and vacuum and clean the bathrooms. They are on the list. Life is crazy and most of the time, these things are not a priority; but they probably should be because Matt would be happier, life would be smoother and I wouldn't feel bad about my mothering abilities. But then, you wouldn't be reading this fantastic blog post.
So back to the original question, what manner of mom ought I to be? Last Wednesday, as I was preparing for New Beginnings and had Will and Tessa and all the other Wednesday junk, I found myself buying cookies for the littles at Cutler's, a Diet Coke for Allie at Swig, Fiiz for Erin and ice cream from Dairy Queen for Jack. All of those goodies were purchased and consumed in a two-hour window, on separate trips while I ran errands. The kitchen was a mess, but we all got a treat. When I got to YW that night, I made a joke about our treat runs that day and said, "I guess that tells you what kind of mom I am." And my friend Camille said, "you are a mom that cares about people."
And that, my friends is it. When my kids look back on life in my house I hope they remember this... that their mom loved people. Especially HER people. That I tried my very hardest to love those who needed it and that people that crossed my path felt special for a bit. I want my kids to remember that although parties and presents aren't what's important, that they (Erin, Allie, Jack & William) deserve to be celebrated. I want them to know that planning time to spend together as a family is a priority for me.... and while it's hard sometimes, we will never look back on our trips with regrets. I hope my kids will remember that their mom would pretty much let them explore every possible interest and drive them wherever they need to go. That we will ALWAYS be able to stop and get a Coke because that just makes life better. I want them to remember that holidays and traditions are fun, that festive decorations are a must and even when dad thinks that mom is over the top (which I'm guessing you can tell happens a lot at our house) that even dad is happy because the kids are happy.
I want my kids to know that I want to learn about lots of people and places and the things around me. I hope my kids will look at their environment and try to find something they can do to improve it; even if it's knowing enough to hug a cousin who's grandpa has just died and give them lessons on riding your hoverboard. We watch Netflix in mom's bed and spend our time making posters and hand outs and decorations for parties. We like fuzzy socks and enjoy colored water in our baths. We're open to all kinds of music and mom will probably cave and order pizza if they ask.
There are so many things that I am bad at as a mom; or even just as a grown-up. But I love my kids and I love my family and my friends. I want my kids to know that. I want my kids to know and remember and feel like I try to treat people the way that Jesus would treat people; even the stupid ones. Sometimes I yell, and sometimes I cry and sometimes I just want a nap. I want them to know and understand that life is a marathon and right now, it feels like I am at mile 19 and limping along..... but that I will keep on keepin' on. Hopefully they will be better than me. They will understand the need for balance better than I do. I live in a world of extremes and all or nothing is sometimes hard on a family. But, we love and feel big in our home and I guess that is what I hope they remember most of all.
1 comment:
You are incredible! Your talents amaze and bless me... Can't wait to be more apart of your crazy daily life.😉
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