All Is Well

This last month has been a mixed bag when it comes to my diet/lifestyle change.  I wish I could say that I lost phenomenal amounts of weight and inches, but I didn't.  However, I can say that I have really upped my physical activity so this has got to be one of the times that I just have faith and know that it'll all be worth it in the end.

I found myself, mid-May, trying to decide what it was going to take to get myself motivated to take it to the next level.  My new motivation came in the form of an old classic:  the mix tape (or rather the digital equivalent of a playlist on iTunes.)

This is one of those things that seems like it will be easy, but making a soundtrack for the active life you want to have presents some challenges.  Does it have a good beat?  Is it uplifting? Is it inspiring?  Does it make you feel old? Yes, sometimes, sometimes and YES!

As I have been walking around the streets of Centerville, bobbing my head and timing my steps, I have come to the conclusion that I'm not as young as I once was, or still think I am for that matter.  My playlist is eclectic, to say the least, but as I march along, I find myself feeling like a first class poser!  I am listening to music my kids listen to and I'm not sure how I feel about that.  Are they old enough to listen to songs with the occasional swear and a kick-butt message?  Am I too old to be jamming out to "Call Me Maybe."  Sadly, they are getting older and so am I, which means that yes, Carly Rae Jeppsen should probably not be on my playlist.

A few thoughts about my playlist, aptly titled Walk This Way.

• I really like Kelly Clarkson.  There, I said it.  I'm not an American Idol fan, but I think her songs are pretty empowering. 
• Katy Perry is a skank; but she does put out a few awesome ditties.  The first time I heard California Gurls last year I was appalled, but since it has become one of my workout songs, I find myself singing along.  Oh, and I downloaded the Snoop Dog version; so double my street cred on that one.
• Dixie Chicks are awesome!  Always have been, always will be.
• Oldies but goodies.... I am listening to Depeche Mode more now that I ever did when I was younger.  The B-52's make me feel carefree and Smells Like Teen Spirit takes me back to my junior year of high school, sitting in the passenger side of a 1976 Dodge Dart.
• The Killers, Maroon 5, Train, Coldplay.... good tunes indeed.

I am always in the market, as it were, for new tunes to listen to.  What do you like?  What gets your heart pumping and makes you feel like you can conquer the world?  I would appreciate input.

One thing that I have really begun to enjoy about my morning walks is the opportunity for reflection.  I know that this is something that most folks enjoy, but it has just recently started to come to me.  Up until now, honest to goodness, my best moments of inspiration have come in the shower.  Well, that is changing.  I find myself with a clearer head, a sharper mind and a better attitude after my walk.  I've even had an epiphany or two.

As I'm trudging along, I often think about my pioneer ancestors.  My visit to the Gateway Arch in St. Louis last week and the discussion of westward expansion, coupled with summer has caused me to reflect.  I have always joked that I would be the one who was left to die on the side of the trail.  And I was okay with my fate, for the most part.  In walking yesterday, I think I discovered the root of this attitude.  I was taken back to being 13 years old, and even though I was not old enough to attend, my stake was preparing for their first ever Pioneer Trek.  For those of you unfamiliar with this experience, youth in our church between the ages of 12-18 (or 14-18 in this instance) assume the role of pioneers and have a fairly authentic experience.  You load all of your belongings into a handcart and dressed in period clothing trudge through sage brush with 12 or so other folks; your Ma and Pa and your brothers and sisters.  You hike all day, you sleep under the stars at night, and depending on your leaders, you may even have to kill your dinner.

Okay, enough background.  So here I am, at 13, on a Saturday morning with all of the other youth in my stake embarking on a qualifying walk.... you had to be able to walk four miles in an hour to go.  Now, if I couldn't go, why was I doing it, you ask?  Well, because my friends were.  So, off we went on our walk.  And it was hard!  I didn't think it would be that hard; but it was.  Needless to say, I didn't finish in an hour; I think it was more like an hour and ten minutes.  Close, but no cigar.  

Now, as an adult and a leader, I can understand why they would put the kids through this exercise.  As youth, we needed to understand the physical demands that would be made of us on the trail.  The stake wanted no liability when it came to injury.  But the more I think about it, the more I'm bugged by this and the underlying message I took from this experience.

The message I received was, "if I can't do it, I'm not good enough."  Which translates down the road to justification; "it can't be that important if I can't do it."

At 13, I was just starting to struggle with my weight.  I found my adult body early in life and had a hard time coming to grips with it.  Don't misunderstand me, I was not fat; but I wasn't in good physical shape. I was a smart girl who did well in most things I attempted and even enjoyed sports and PE at that point.  However, I think this experience marked a change for me.  If I couldn't be successful at running the mile, or doing the dance, or whatever else (you fill in the blank) then I wasn't going to make an attempt.  And that is pretty much how I've lived my life.

Like any handicap, I've learned to work around the things I do not do well, and have tried to draw others attention to the things I do well.  I have been pretty successful at it, too.  There have been times, more often since I have had kids, that I find myself exposed and vulnerable to all of my many shortcomings.  This whole experience of losing weight and becoming more active has actually clarified a lot of things for me.

Matt has been telling me this for years, but I need to learn to not be afraid to fail.  I think I am beginning to understand that I lose more by not trying than I gain by trying to keep up appearances.  I won't say that I'm to the point that I love exercising yet, but I will say that I notice my day goes better and my mood is brighter if I do it.

I have also come to the conclusion that unlike that qualifying race when I was 13, this journey I'm on is not a competition.  The only person I'm out to best is myself.  Every day when I go walking, I try to quicken my pace.  I try to get my heart rate in the zone and I try to go farther than I did the day before.  I need to stop comparing myself to others.  I am unique.  The good Lord broke the mold after I was born.  I have many great examples around me now; a fact I am so grateful for.  I have friends that are concerned about me and that inspire me to want to be better; even if it means taking a risk at looking less than competent.  They are cheering for me and their encouragement means more than they'll ever know.

Returning again to my pioneer analogy I have changed my opinion.  I don't know that I would have died on the trail.  There was no qualification that you be young and fit to come to Zion.  Quite the contrary.... pioneers were old and young, lame and weak, and most definitely, many were not up to the challenge.  They were motivated by the promise of something greater at the end of the trail.  Sacrifices made by my ancestors were many and included temporal, spiritual and physical.  I am so grateful for their examples and because of them, I now realize that I can do hard things.  I may not have been the first one to the Valley and it may have been November when I got here, but I believe I would have made it.  Just like I have friends who help me today, I would have had friends and family to help me on my way.

This trek that I'm on now does not require that I am the fastest, or the fittest, but just that I try my best, every single day.  For the first time, I am beginning to understand the importance of this and the impact it can have on my life.  I am grateful to know, that while on this journey, "all is well."