I Fantasize About Being Alone, With a Book, and a Diet Sprite!

Okay, maybe it's a Diet Coke, but this is totally fantasy, and not my reality. Instead, I am sitting in my bed, between two little boys with enough snot between them to fill a rubber cement bottle and I'm taking quick, shallow breaths, trying to remind myself why I had kids. Honestly, the reasons escape me now.

Tag this post as therapy, but I've had it today. The boys are sick. Jack has allergies that have morphed into a monster cold and Will has the cold, but I think he has reflux besides. He's been really spitty for the last week, is almost hoarse now, and yesterday, started coughing up brown gunk. Not great for a three month old. Doctor put him on baby Zantac... yay! But the little guy is not happy. He cries everytime I put him down which makes dealing with his needy older brother a bit difficult. My day consisted of laying in bed with the boys watching Beyblade Metal Fusion with Jack while Will sneezed and spit up on me. Jealous??? Seriously, I hate anime! I hate that Jack loves it. It makes me want to stick my head in the oven.

Things didn't get any better when the girls got home from school. Today is Wednesday. That means children's choir. The girls hate going, and I'm not sure I can really blame them. I hated it too when I was a kid, but Matt tells them it's like vegetables; it's an acquired taste and someday they'll thank us. Anyway, ran the girls to choir, listening to them gripe the whole time. But guess what???? Totally don't care!

That's beginning to be a familiar thing at my house. I do way better at the first of the school year than I do at the last. Maybe it's the Homer in me, but I find myself seriously wanting to call my kids teachers and ask them if they're really not going to pass the third grade if they don't turn in half of their sloppy copy tomorrow. I hate the fact that we still have stuff to do.... I want school to be over, and I'm pretty sure I'm not alone in this. At this point, I don't really care if my kids get their homework turned in (don't tell them that!) I'll make sure that they're at school during their testing weeks, I may even feed them breakfast those days, but other than that, don't make me do anything else. I especially have an axe to grind about a class talent show at Erin's school. The music teacher, heaven bless her, announced to these kids two months ago (an eternity in grade school time) that they needed to put together some kind of talent to present to their peers tomorrow, April 28th. Erin and her various friends have been through so many versions of talents that I am ready to go postal at the mere mention of the words. Do you think I can convince her to sing a simple song? No! We've gone through dance, ventriloquism, art works and now we're working on magic tricks. Do we have an empty matchbox, a balloon, some string, and can I buy her a top hat with sequins? NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Who does she think she is, MacGyver?

Allie has to write a stupid 12 page story. I like the fact that her teacher spaces the deadlines out, but Allie won't do any of it by herself. She wants me to sit with her and read and re-read each sentence she writes! Newsflash!!! I don't care! So tonight we sit and sit and try to write and she is distracted by everything and it's driving me crazy.

They each have what seems like a million field trips coming up and why can't I chaperone all of them? It's not fair that we have a new baby and a brother who can't come. Why are they sick? Why isn't Dad home? It's not fair that we never get to do anything fun. Why can't we watch TV? Why do we have to have baths every night? Don't really know; don't really care!

Here is the underlying problem. I try too hard to be a good parent. I'm not the best; not by a long shot, but let me offer a little bit of advice to those of you with preschoolers. Pace yourself. Twelve years of public education is a long time. You peak too soon and you'll find yourself where I'm at. If I knew then what I know now, I would have fully embraced mediocrity and convinced everyone around me that I'm a flake. That way, no one would ask me to do anything. I'd be the one that got asked to provide the napkins for functions; nice to have, but you can do without them.

Two other random things that go with today.

Random Thing #1-In the middle of all the chaos that occurred tonight, Matt calls and says "I wish I was there to help." Sure you do, honey! I don't wish I was here tonight, so I don't blame you for enjoying a steak for dinner and a workout. I had tomato soup from a can and rocked the baby with my foot while I ate and screamed at kids.

Random Thing #2-When Allie came to get Emmett out of my bed to take him into her room, he wriggled around and growled at her. She put him on the floor and was just getting ready to stand back up, when Annie, hearing her compadre's call, did the closest thing to Dog Tag Team Wrestling I've ever seen. She jumped on Allie's back, while Emmett kicked her front. Freaking hilarious; but note to self, I shouldn't laugh at her pain. But I'm like that, I don't really care.

My great day ends when Erin comes to hug me goodnight for third time and I am screaming "DON'T TOUCH ME!" Unfortunately for her, she thought I was kidding.... but I wasn't! I am done and I'm hoping now that I have laid it all out for the world to read that I have calmed down enough to sleep, albeit with a dog and a sick 5-year-old!

Happy Wednesday everybody and to quote Clark W. Griswold, "Holy shit, where's the Tylenol?"